Well. I hate to say it... but blogger has let me down. There have been copious amounts of annoying issues and problems lately that I've tried to put up with. I really have, but, well, finally I decided that it's time to move on. Yes. It's true. Blogger and I are breaking up.
But I must keep blogging. Cos that's important to me. It's important to write and share what God is doing.
So, would you please be so kind as to follow me over to my new, and might I say prettier blog over at: http://tardistraveler.wordpress.com?
THANK YOU! See you there! :)
Thursday, January 17, 2008
wide shot
There was this moment, when I was sitting at the cottage near Ross Beach in Northumbria, trying to suss out who I was in this list of motivational gifts. Andy Raine was sitting across from me, asking me questions and it hurt. I could feel deep within me this struggle. Who am I? What motivates me? Because I knew this was central. It was so central to the breakthrough I was wanting.
And then it happened. A sudden moment where I realized. I am prophetic. I am not mercy. I am merciful sometimes (and in fact mercy people are sort of the flip side of prophetic. Different ends of the same spectrum) but I am not motivated by emotion, not at the centre of my being. My soul is motivated by truth and justice. Really. And as we were going through the 'things that go wrong if you're this motivation but wouldn't effect you if you're the other...' bit
I came to this one: FEARFULNESS vs. BOLDNESS.
Now, at first the fear thing was obvious to me. I am so afraid of so many things. Or have been all my life. It's getting better now. Oh how I identified with that. But I think it's bigger than fear as fear itself. There are levels and poisons related to fear.
In me, something related to this that I hadn't realized was related is that my focus gets narrowed. I narrow in on emotion, in my writing, in my life, in my perspective of myself. I narrow in in super-sharp focus.
But the key is this: "Rise above the [threatening] situation, even for a moment, and see how it looks from a wider perspective."
This is a good thing to remember as a writer in telling my stories and as a human being in walking through life and emotion.
Just when you think you're done, God shows you more ways to become more yourself.
I want to be a hero. I want to fight. I want to be valiant and true. And to write stories that last and have a universal impact. Stories that move you and that people want to act.
I will become bold.
And then it happened. A sudden moment where I realized. I am prophetic. I am not mercy. I am merciful sometimes (and in fact mercy people are sort of the flip side of prophetic. Different ends of the same spectrum) but I am not motivated by emotion, not at the centre of my being. My soul is motivated by truth and justice. Really. And as we were going through the 'things that go wrong if you're this motivation but wouldn't effect you if you're the other...' bit
I came to this one: FEARFULNESS vs. BOLDNESS.
Now, at first the fear thing was obvious to me. I am so afraid of so many things. Or have been all my life. It's getting better now. Oh how I identified with that. But I think it's bigger than fear as fear itself. There are levels and poisons related to fear.
In me, something related to this that I hadn't realized was related is that my focus gets narrowed. I narrow in on emotion, in my writing, in my life, in my perspective of myself. I narrow in in super-sharp focus.
But the key is this: "Rise above the [threatening] situation, even for a moment, and see how it looks from a wider perspective."
This is a good thing to remember as a writer in telling my stories and as a human being in walking through life and emotion.
Just when you think you're done, God shows you more ways to become more yourself.
I want to be a hero. I want to fight. I want to be valiant and true. And to write stories that last and have a universal impact. Stories that move you and that people want to act.
I will become bold.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
poetic processing
I've been thinking, processing a lot of
stuff.
That's what this time is.
This time at the end of a time.
DTS.
I am not who I was. No longer who I thought I was.
And yet
I am the same, naturally
I am myself.
But when I most want to rise up
I am still bent down
weighed by heavy
old feelings that are persistent
and refuse to let me go.
A choke hold.
The nagging voice:
'not good enough'
'never be good enough'
'separate'
'hope deferred forever'
So I am bent down
in the moment of
release,
unsure how to walk,
NO. Fly
beyond this cage
with the door wide open
and promises,
promises,
promises
and HOPE
stacked up like...
chocolate soup
too good to be true.
I doubt, but is it You?
Or do I doubt
myself.
Yes, I doubt myself
But that means
I am still doubting You.
Because I am not
a free-agent.
No, I'm not on my own.
And if this is Your track
then it's Your race too.
I belong to You.
So who am I?
I am myself.
Transformed.
Metamorphized.
Born with wings
and purpose and
HOPE
bursting from my
phoenixy, warrior's heart.
Set apart NOT separate.
Bent down?
I don't think so.
I will stand tall.
I've got no choice
but to fight
and write
and dream as if
dreaming were everything
and live as if the dream
were right now,
wide awake
and standing tall.
stuff.
That's what this time is.
This time at the end of a time.
DTS.
I am not who I was. No longer who I thought I was.
And yet
I am the same, naturally
I am myself.
But when I most want to rise up
I am still bent down
weighed by heavy
old feelings that are persistent
and refuse to let me go.
A choke hold.
The nagging voice:
'not good enough'
'never be good enough'
'separate'
'hope deferred forever'
So I am bent down
in the moment of
release,
unsure how to walk,
NO. Fly
beyond this cage
with the door wide open
and promises,
promises,
promises
and HOPE
stacked up like...
chocolate soup
too good to be true.
I doubt, but is it You?
Or do I doubt
myself.
Yes, I doubt myself
But that means
I am still doubting You.
Because I am not
a free-agent.
No, I'm not on my own.
And if this is Your track
then it's Your race too.
I belong to You.
So who am I?
I am myself.
Transformed.
Metamorphized.
Born with wings
and purpose and
HOPE
bursting from my
phoenixy, warrior's heart.
Set apart NOT separate.
Bent down?
I don't think so.
I will stand tall.
I've got no choice
but to fight
and write
and dream as if
dreaming were everything
and live as if the dream
were right now,
wide awake
and standing tall.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
what was, and is to come...
Well, I'm back from a fantastic time in Arbroath, the birthplace of Scotland, where they signed the declaration to make Scotland officially a country in its own right. Pretty cool.
While there I...
- met a ton of lovely people
- danced at a ceilidh with a couple boys in kilts (not men, though, *sigh*)
- learned to make tablet (and handed it out to strangers on high street with a Celtic blessing attached)
- spoke at the youth group
- and pondered what my life will be like shortly as we wrap up outreach and DTS over the next few days.
Strange that I'll be entering into the full, or mostly full time missionary world in just over a week. Me. A missionary. Really. Whoda thunk? :P
I mean, I'm not standing on a street corner trying to convert people. I'm doing what I've always dreamed of and wanted to do, but with more specificity... and more intent. I'll be starting a theatre ministry with my buddy Candace in attempt to communicate hope and truth through theatre and film in Edinburgh. We plan to use our creativity to produce art that will bring light & encouragement to hearts like ours are (or have been)... hearts, which need to be reminded that life is good and worth living, and that there is a unique purpose/destiny for each of us! I’ll also be doing a whole lot of prayer & intcercession.
But this means I am going to be praying a LOT for support (prayer support and financial support) as YWAM staff has to raise their own finances. Whee. Hello, livin' by faith!
If any of you feel lead to contribute, you can find a paypal link on the right hand side of my blog here, or go through the Youth With A Mission website... Anything anyone can contribute would be amazing. I'll even send you some Scottish tablet! Seriously! :P I am also praying and hoping for some regular contributors as I venture into this full time. It's crazy, I know. And is in many ways counter to what one would think wise living would be.
But this is the life I've been called to live. And I trust the journey will be worth every step and leap of faith.
"Being an adult means
carrying a load of responsibilities
of our very own,
burdens with nobody else's name
on them but ours,
with each of us bearing
an unwritten biography
whose chapters contain
unheard of turns of fortune
and unheralded feats of heroism"
- Tad Dunnel
While there I...
- met a ton of lovely people
- danced at a ceilidh with a couple boys in kilts (not men, though, *sigh*)
- learned to make tablet (and handed it out to strangers on high street with a Celtic blessing attached)
- spoke at the youth group
- and pondered what my life will be like shortly as we wrap up outreach and DTS over the next few days.
Strange that I'll be entering into the full, or mostly full time missionary world in just over a week. Me. A missionary. Really. Whoda thunk? :P
I mean, I'm not standing on a street corner trying to convert people. I'm doing what I've always dreamed of and wanted to do, but with more specificity... and more intent. I'll be starting a theatre ministry with my buddy Candace in attempt to communicate hope and truth through theatre and film in Edinburgh. We plan to use our creativity to produce art that will bring light & encouragement to hearts like ours are (or have been)... hearts, which need to be reminded that life is good and worth living, and that there is a unique purpose/destiny for each of us! I’ll also be doing a whole lot of prayer & intcercession.
But this means I am going to be praying a LOT for support (prayer support and financial support) as YWAM staff has to raise their own finances. Whee. Hello, livin' by faith!
If any of you feel lead to contribute, you can find a paypal link on the right hand side of my blog here, or go through the Youth With A Mission website... Anything anyone can contribute would be amazing. I'll even send you some Scottish tablet! Seriously! :P I am also praying and hoping for some regular contributors as I venture into this full time. It's crazy, I know. And is in many ways counter to what one would think wise living would be.
But this is the life I've been called to live. And I trust the journey will be worth every step and leap of faith.
carrying a load of responsibilities
of our very own,
burdens with nobody else's name
on them but ours,
with each of us bearing
an unwritten biography
whose chapters contain
unheard of turns of fortune
and unheralded feats of heroism"
- Tad Dunnel
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
onwards
My Christmas at Stanely was one of the best Christmasses I have ever had. No stress. No expectations, and just good times with friends. And in Scotland! :)
Today our team is shipping back out to start Outreach part 2 here in Scotland. We'll be going to Oban today, for 2 days of lots and lots of prayer. Then we come back here on the 28th, then on the 29th, I believe we go up to Arbroath (not sure of that spelling) to help out in a cafe (?) and work with teens, and possibly do some hospitality stuff for some new years parties? Not really sure what all it'll look like, but I pray and hope it is good. And that I will in God's grace be able to maintain the confidence and truth and trust and identity and joy I've found in Him through healing this Christmas.
Say NO to self-pity and self-rejection!
Time to be confident in Him and in who He made me to be! Rarr!
Blessings to everyone. You are loved.
Today our team is shipping back out to start Outreach part 2 here in Scotland. We'll be going to Oban today, for 2 days of lots and lots of prayer. Then we come back here on the 28th, then on the 29th, I believe we go up to Arbroath (not sure of that spelling) to help out in a cafe (?) and work with teens, and possibly do some hospitality stuff for some new years parties? Not really sure what all it'll look like, but I pray and hope it is good. And that I will in God's grace be able to maintain the confidence and truth and trust and identity and joy I've found in Him through healing this Christmas.
Say NO to self-pity and self-rejection!
Time to be confident in Him and in who He made me to be! Rarr!
Blessings to everyone. You are loved.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Happy Christmas, Scottish style
Tonight, most of us who are still at Stanely House for Christmas packed into the van and went to Paisley Abbey for lessons in Carols. Nine scripture passages leading up through the Bible to Jesus' birth, mixed with great carols sung by a choir, and us in an old wonderful church building on Christmas eve. Fantastic!
I am finding myself standing taller, sitting up straighter, realizing that God has made me who I am and has gone back to those early moments of my life, as a premie baby in an incubator, to speak truth and replace the lies in my life. I feel so loved and free and thankful for the gift of that healing and that image. And the truth of it. Set apart not separate. I will be learning what this means for a while I think. There's so much to learn about His character and will still. Where will the path take us in the new year??
Right now, all I know is that this gift given to me today is priceless and wonderous. What a year 2007 has been!
It may seem odd to post this on Christmas Eve, but it was spoken over me today... that God wants me to know this is true that He has done all this and will continue to... well, I wanted to mark it down on the eve before the day we celebrate as His birth to commemorate how He has been with me since my beginning and how I have never been alone and have always belonged to Him.
*words in brackets added
He makes [and has made and will make] me lie down in green pastures.
He leads [and has lead and will lead] me beside still waters.
He restores [has restored, will restore] my soul.
He leads [and has lead, and will lead] me in paths
of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk [or have walked] through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me [yesterday, today, tomorrow];
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You [have prepared, are preparing, and will] prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
Amen. Come Lord Jesus!
the best present
I had a counselling session this morning. This is what came out of it...
Picture a newborn baby, tiny, barely a few days old. Alone in an incubator in a hospital ward. She's cold, crying, shaking her fists. Lies pour over her, into her heart, lies that she is alone, separate, different... negative words, negative declarations. And the glass of the incubator acts as a wall between herself and belonging, herself and the world, herself and... herself.
Then God, the image she is a reflection of, He stands in long robes, Kingly. He looks down at her, lovingly, proud. And He smashes the glass and picks her up, touches her head, her heart, counts her fingers and toes.
"Perfect, beautiful princess. Mine."
He holds her up, tightly, proudly in His arms. His princess. Little warrior. Not weak. Strong. Powerful. Beautiful. A woman.
"You are SET APART, not separate, my child. You are loved and worthy and SIGNIFICANT to me. There's a reason I named you Kimberley: leader of warriors"
He puts a crown on that tiny head and says "you belong to me. You belong. I affirm you, I keep you. I made you and you're just the way I intended you to be."
"Take up your staff, Kimberley. Go forward."
Flash forward. Dangerous. Dangerous speak. Silenced. I renounce the silencing, the trap, the spirit of rejection and self-pity. I am full and complete. I am loved, strong, worthy, beautiful, a woman.
I stand up tall with God.
I am no longer the little girl crying and alone. I am together with Christ. I am a princess, warrior, and I have words to speak and will speak. I have a destiny. But even more than that... I have an identity that does not depend on destiny. I am exactly how He made me to be right now. I just have to live it out. I have to walk in it.
Happy Christmas indeed!
Picture a newborn baby, tiny, barely a few days old. Alone in an incubator in a hospital ward. She's cold, crying, shaking her fists. Lies pour over her, into her heart, lies that she is alone, separate, different... negative words, negative declarations. And the glass of the incubator acts as a wall between herself and belonging, herself and the world, herself and... herself.
Then God, the image she is a reflection of, He stands in long robes, Kingly. He looks down at her, lovingly, proud. And He smashes the glass and picks her up, touches her head, her heart, counts her fingers and toes.
"Perfect, beautiful princess. Mine."
He holds her up, tightly, proudly in His arms. His princess. Little warrior. Not weak. Strong. Powerful. Beautiful. A woman.
"You are SET APART, not separate, my child. You are loved and worthy and SIGNIFICANT to me. There's a reason I named you Kimberley: leader of warriors"
He puts a crown on that tiny head and says "you belong to me. You belong. I affirm you, I keep you. I made you and you're just the way I intended you to be."
"Take up your staff, Kimberley. Go forward."
Flash forward. Dangerous. Dangerous speak. Silenced. I renounce the silencing, the trap, the spirit of rejection and self-pity. I am full and complete. I am loved, strong, worthy, beautiful, a woman.
I stand up tall with God.
I am no longer the little girl crying and alone. I am together with Christ. I am a princess, warrior, and I have words to speak and will speak. I have a destiny. But even more than that... I have an identity that does not depend on destiny. I am exactly how He made me to be right now. I just have to live it out. I have to walk in it.Happy Christmas indeed!
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